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We all know the first line of a query is your “hook.” I call the last line the “sinker.” You want it to punch them in the face, in a nice, friendly kind of way that makes them unable to forget you after having read the 300 other queries in their inbox.
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A job assignment in Italy is just what Mike needs to advance his career and bring passion back to his marriage. What kind of job is this? What does Mike do for a living? His wife is the only woman in Atlanta not flirting with him, and what better place for romance than the Tuscan countryside? His hopes shatter when his Italian partner definitely need to know what the job is that he has a partner falls ill what impact does this have on the plot? and his family so he has kids? does nothing but fight. After his wife and daughter head home How long did they stay in Italy? And how does he feel about this?, a stunning Tuscan beauty captures the attention of everyone on the train. Mike thinks the goddess will remain a fantasy – until she introduces herself as his new assistant. She promises romantic adventure, if Mike can forget the cost.
You definitely need to have genre information in here, as well as word count, etc. Right now I don’t know if this is romance, erotica, or a do-the-right-thing tale. You’ve got brevity here, but almost to an extreme. You’ve got 300 words to play with, and room to do some expanding.