The Saturday Slash

Meet my Hatchet of Death (or, some other colorful description RC Lewis and I come up with at any given moment). This is how I edit myself, it is how I edit others. If you think you want to play with me and my hatchet, shoot us an email.

We all know the first line of a query is your “hook.” I call the last line the “sinker.” You want it to punch them in the face, in a nice, friendly kind of way that makes them unable to forget you after having read the 300 other queries in their inbox.

If you’re looking for query advice, but are slightly intimidated by my claws, blade, or just my rolling googly-eyes, check out the query critique boards over at AgentQueryConnect. This is where I got my start, with advice from people smarter than me. Don’t be afraid to ask for help with the most critical first step of your writing journey – the query. My comments appear in green.

Flirting with a pretty girl takes another turn when Jake discovers she’s a shackled spirit. Irene was raised in the voodoo faith by her Haitian grandmother, but never expected to become trapped in the spirit world she grew up believing in. When Jake encounters her captor, he is forced into that same spirit world. Your opening here isn’t bad, but you’ve got three echoes of “spirit.” I would also caution you to be careful when using such a strong faith element as the backbone for your plot. If you yourself aren’t a practitioner of that faith, make sure you’ve done your research, and get feedback from someone that is a part of that faith.

Irene’s captor, Armand, is a man who captures souls to increase his own power, but still claims to be a benevolent force. Hard to see how someone could still claim to be benevolent in this setup… Jake learns that the girl he’s falling for is fading away because she has been trapped by the sorcerer for too long. Here’s some confusion on my part – is Irene existing in both worlds, ours (physically) and her soul in a spirit world? That’s what I’m inferring but a slight clarification could be good. Armand has no plans to release Irene and intends to use her soul to help him end humanity’s grief. He aims to do so by capturing Baron Samedi, the voodoo god of death, and releasing the dead themselves. But doing so would ravage both worlds. Both the spiritual and physical worlds? How?

Thanks to Irene’s cunning and know-how, Jake survives the spirit world and several encounters with loa – voodoo gods who preside over everything from love to death. But the spirit world becomes chaotic and unsafe when several of the loa fall under Armand’s control. And as his plan succeeds, Jake and Irene have no choice but to act when the battle being fought in the spirit world makes its way to their home. It sounds like they were already acting, though, and that the battle being fought had already made it’s way to their home?

I think what you need here is to clarify on what “ravaging both worlds” actually means, as it sounds like that’s actually the biggest obstacle. Clarify what that is and how it impacts both worlds. Also, putting Jake and Irene’s “no choice but to act” in the last paragraph makes it sound like they don’t take action against Armand until the end, which I doubt is an accurate reflection. Figure out what the largest obstacle in the plot is, clarify whether these characters are present in one world or another (or both simultaneously), and I would also say tease out Armand’s role a little bit more. What is his motivation for releasing the dead? Does he not see the “ravaging of both worlds” that would take place? Honestly, a misguided villain rather than an outright nasty one is very intriguing, but get just a touch more in there about why he wants what he wants.